Woman: a verbal prostitute
Henry Winslow: a “john”
Cop 1: a cop
Cop 2: another cop
Renata: a part-time bartender
Dr. Wilhemi: a doctor
Interviewer: an interviewer
Car driven by Henry Winslow pulls up to woman on street
corner. She
puts out a cigarette on the pavement and
saunters over, leaning in
the passenger window.
WOMAN
Hey, mac, wanna cliché?
HENRY WINSLOW
(nervous, but anxious)
Yeh.
(She gets in car.)
WOMAN
You a cop?
HENRY WINSLOW
No, no… so how much for how much?
WOMAN
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. It’s
not
what
you know, it’s who you know.
(beat)
Thank God it’s Friday.
HENRY WINSLOW
(barely able to conceal his pleasure)
Yes.
(gives her money)
Here....
WOMAN
A-OK, baby. I’ve seen a million of ‘em. Smoke ‘em
if you
got ‘em.
HENRY WINSLOW
Oh wow.
(They freeze.)
INTERVIEWER (VOICEOVER)
What are you are witnessing is a growing trend in the
underbelly of
modern society. The purchase and transfer
of illicit clichés
in cars, alleyways and seedy bars. This
is
not recommended for younger
or more sensitive viewers.
(They unfreeze.)
WOMAN
(seductively and precise)
How much is on your plate? You’re the apple of my eye.
Buy one
get one free. When it rains, it pours. Don’t...
don’t....
don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.
(Cops enter.)
The United States is a democracy.
COP 1
(taps on driver’s door)
Hey buddy.
HENRY WINSLOW
Officer!
COP 1
What are you two doing in there?
HENRY WINSLOW
Nothing, nothing.
COP 2
Uh-huh. She’s as close to you as white on rice.
HENRY WINSLOW
(swooning at the cliché)
Oohh…
COP 2
I thought so. Get out of here, lady. Step out of the car, sir.
(The woman exits the car and runs off as Henry
Winslow exits. He is boxed in by the cops.)
COP 1
You like cliché whores, do ya?
HENRY WINSLOW
No, no. I’m a married man!
COP 1
Not getting enough clichés at home, are ya?
HENRY WINSLOW
No. I have never paid for clichés in my life!
COP 2
Oh no?
HENRY WINSLOW
No!
COP 2
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
HENRY WINSLOW
(suddenly seduced)
Ooohh…
COP 1
Alright, mister, you’re coming with us.
HENRY WINSLOW
You’re barking up the wrong tree!
(Henry Winslow is dragged off by Cop 1. Cop 2 sits
down and the Interviewer enters, taking the other
chair.)
The scene suddenly changes to a Dateline-esque interview.
INTERVIEWER
So what you’re saying is there are men who pay women to
cliché them.
COP 2
Yeh. Sometimes in broad daylight. There’s two types of
cliché whore:
you got yer He Likes Me for Me Girls and the
Dark and Stormy Night
Girls.
INTERVIEWER
Dark and Stormy Night?
COP 2
As in It Was A Dark And Stormy Night, yeh. They’re hooked
on
the cliché, and that’s how it spreads. No protection.
INTERVIEWER
Protection like...?
COP 2
Irony, insight... practically any amount of intellectual
protection
is better than none.
INTERVIEWER
What happens if clichés spread?
COP 2
Chaos. Total communication breakdown.
BLACKOUT.
RENATA
I don’t normally do clichés, man, unless I’m out
partying with
friends.
INTERVIEWER (VOICEOVER)
Renata, a part-time bartender in Chicago’s trendy Wrigleyville
area, spoke to us about casual cliché use.
LIGHTS UP.
Renata has taken the place of Cop 2 in the chair. The
interview continues.
RENATA
I mean, I don’t go looking for it. If it’s at a party,
yeh, I might,
you know, get behind the eight ball. OK—occasionally,
I’ll go
for it hook line and sinker. But it’s totally casual,
man.
INTERVIEWER
What about the charges that clichés lead to harder things?
RENATA
That’s just what the government says, man. The chances of
getting
hooked on clichés are, like, one in a million.
BLACKOUT.
INTERVIEWER
But evidence suggests that, once in the grip of clichés, it
is
almost impossible to break free.
LIGHTS FADE UP.
(Renata has been replaced with Henry Winslow.
His doctor, Dr. Wilhemi, stands behind him.)
INTERVIEWER
The man we saw picking up the cliché whore earlier eventually
became a patient at the House Designed to Break One of the
Habit of
Clichés, or HDBOOTHOC. We spoke to him and his
psychologist,
Dr. Emmet Wilhelmi.
HENRY WINSLOW
(almost mad)
Yadda yadda yadda. Sup. Sup. Sup. Sup. Chillin’ like a villian.
WILHELMI
Martin—we’ll call him Martin, although his name is Henry
Winslow—Martin has been with us for some time. Breaking
someone
of clichés is a very arduous and long process.
HENRY WINSLOW
Long? Long time no see. Long time no see.
INTERVIEWER
Martin, how are you feeling these days?
HENRY WINSLOW
Cool as a cucumber, cool as a cucumber. Give the devil his
due. I stand
out like a sore thumb, so it’s easy to nip it in
the bud.
WILHELMI
As you can see, he can hear you and he can speak...but he
is unable
to communicate in original thought.
INTERVIEW
Can you understand what I’m saying? How long have you been
here?
HENRY WINSLOW
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back it’s
not meant to be.
WILHELMI
In fact, Martin has been with us for five months now.
INTERVIEW
Is he making progress?
WILHELMI
We’ve actually stopped treatment on Martin.
HENRY WINSLOW
Pay dirt!
INTERVIEWER
Why’s that, doctor?
WILHELMI
He’s funny. And he makes a mean Tex-Mex Omelette. Six eggs.
HENRY WINSLOW
Well, six of one, half dozen of the other.
INTERVIEWER
Doctor, is there anything positive to be found from using clichés?
WILHELMI
It’s never a dull moment.
LIGHTS GO DOWN AS INTERVIEWER COMES CENTERSTAGE.
INTERVIEWER
So what have we learned here tonight? Besides that sidewalks
are mostly
made up of concrete? Don’t look to the leaders of
the nation—there
is no war on clichés. Yet the damage is
irrefutable. Perhaps
clichés are merely the next step in the
evolutionary process,
a deconstruction of language as we know
it, an invalidation of communication
on anything more than the
most perfunctory level, until we are become
big brown globs of
poo-poo-ca-ca that have the ability to wear matching
socks. I’m
Pretty Penny Workerbee. Good night.
Back
to Issue 6 |
